There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
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When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay