When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
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Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.