You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
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BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind