If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Choose your fighter
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.