This trial is so absurd ðŸ˜
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ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?