That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
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How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.