Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
You Might Also Like
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?