“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
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ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
A choir of Spring onions
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?