Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.