Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
socratic questions
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas