I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.