My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
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Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.
*buys everyone a drink*
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner