Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
only 11 steps left
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?