If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
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Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
79.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?