Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
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Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Okay me first
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I miss this era type of pranks😭
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
taking June’s advice to heart
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.