Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
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Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.