Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
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Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Deer are just ballerina dogs
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I identify as an antique shop.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.