Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
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The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.