I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.