I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
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ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.