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Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.