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I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
#polloftheday
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper