Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
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Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!