When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
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Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.