My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
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Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
True
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that