My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
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Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
I mean…but I did
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
the rocks need my help
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.