[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
You are what you delete.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Just this preview of the story is enough
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.