angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
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me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.