I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
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If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”