[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
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Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Just me and my debit card against the world
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.