millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
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What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.