Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
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There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game