Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
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schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
My dad.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”