if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
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I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*