no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
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#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon