everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
You Might Also Like
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Warm pools make me nervous.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir