what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
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I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
Peter Parker Peter Driver
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.