The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
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Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD