North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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The internet is undefeated.. 😂
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?