Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
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The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
this has done me in for some reason
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done