Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
You Might Also Like
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.