Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
This is enough internet for the day.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.
(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.