[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
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(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
The French cow says MEUX…
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.