me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
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If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
#inspiration #foodforthought
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.