*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
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Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero