Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
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me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.