Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
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Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Always 🥴
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance