I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
New tinder profile pic
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?