Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
God has left this place
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
“What movie?” 🤔
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!