*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
guys I’m going home
#gardening
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most